I love myself dearly and yet I despise myself for what I have transpired into
If only what had been known was shown on the exterior
Things would make sense to the outer world
Tired of excuses
But valid ones at that
For I lost my ……. and myself for a time to cling to the shakles of what I had known
Overcome with traumatic experiences, memories, lack of care, self-neglect, stress, no home that felt safe, tired of walking the streets and smoking an enticing & fragrant smoke
My soul was broken
Fragmented
Entirely
Worn and trodden
Dismayed at what I had witnessed and seen in the world, especially a year ago
Tired of nasty eyes and glares from people that hate themselves
Tired of assumptions of my position in life
Tired of going around the same cycles with someone feeding off my energy, almost mimicking my essence and stripping me of self-respect
Well, didn’t I allow it anyway?
You choose and sometimes that choice is clouded with ties to other people and situations
Why would someone supposed to be into self-help and healing really reveal some things that are very questionable
Why did I feel the need to have to escape from there?
Was it me or was something nefarious occuring?
Maybe one day more information would ne revealed
Maybe I’ll never know
Anyway, that whole ordeal was quite an experience
But it was not meant for me
My healing came from my self work, far away from the familiar comfort of shakles
Bonded to a shape-shifting entity
That now fades away into dust
Into a past that remains closed
I must never cross that territory again
For I fear what would become of me
A shadow of my former self
That I still have potential to relinquish the wounds and patch up the sides of myself
And dust my soul down to reveal my true self again in all it’s beauty
After some much turmoil and struggle I have lost my sense of caring too much about other people’s opinions.. I understand what I need to do and love myself
Healing can take some time, I wouldn’t say that it has to take any set amount of time however you can speed your healing or slow down your healing depending on your lifestyle choices
I almost fear my potential
I know I am beautiful and clever
But invisible blockages press on me
I must go at my own speed
My own rhythm and tempo
To heal and find my groove again
Never failing to pick myself up
I want to be invested in myself again and have interest in myself not to look for someone when I’m not truly ready at all for a proper connection with my true one
I know my true one is out there
I trust the divine to reveal him to me, right place right time
And if I don’t make it, so be it
I cannot end my life
It is too precious
With new memories and perceptions and experiences
To formulate some sort of functioning self
It feels like a struggle to want to live
To want to keep going another day
But like a solider, I will follow my steps
And reclaim myself, my desires, my dreams
Somehow in the wreckage
There is a spark of me covered in rubble and energies of other people and fears and trauma and bodily blockages
There must be a way
To end this struggle within myself on whether to choose life or death
I must continue and try my hardest to put things right
Although I have a strong impulse to end my suffering that has gone on too long
And yet I love myself sincerly
Forever and always, eternally
What happened, a complete reconfigeration, I can see why now
To stop me in my tracks
To know what to give my time and energy to
In the limbo land of not fully knowing myself anymore or knowing my path
I must trust because God always finds a way
I am made of creation
So creation will find a way
Because life has an inclination forward
And I cannot stop the process of life
Unless I found a way to end my exsistence
But my inner voice cries of wanting to see the end
The end result
Some kind of redemption for myself of loving myself again, being my own best friend again and always choosing myself one hundred percent, having my back again
Which is missing and I miss truly
Let’s see
What if for the rest of this year, I took care of myself properly? And followed my routine?
Without fail
Wrote, built my blog, went out for trips on the bus, brought myself good fitting clothes, sorted my physical appearance out, gave myself herbal medicine, food medicine, let my hair grow long, write poetry, listen to subliminal programming and new music, and plenty of water.. What if I went to the groups? What if I said yes to new things? What if I were completely honest with where I’m at? What if I could…. Do some courses on my interests? Listen to those audiobooks and podcasts? I can do this I whisper to myself.
What if I got a volunteer role in a hospital?
What if I truly lived what I said to myself
That’s my way of getting my self-respect back
Live and breathe what I say
Finally, fucking finally
Treat myself well and do myself proud
Just for me, in a self-loving way with my current position in life
Sort this fucking shit out to be honest
Make sure I rest and sleep
And have good connections with good peole
And try my best to cultivate myself
Glow up as they say
Sustainable, because I always have myself
I wanna be free
To be me……. Eternally.
Then I get to go home (thank God!)
Goodnight, I love you
~DiosEmporium, 09/03/26
DiosEmporium 