I love myself dearly and yet I despise myself for what I have transpired into

If only what had been known was shown on the exterior

Things would make sense to the outer world

Tired of excuses

But valid ones at that

For I lost my ……. and myself for a time to cling to the shakles of what I had known

Overcome with traumatic experiences, memories, lack of care, self-neglect, stress, no home that felt safe, tired of walking the streets and smoking an enticing & fragrant smoke

My soul was broken

Fragmented

Entirely

Worn and trodden

Dismayed at what I had witnessed and seen in the world, especially a year ago

Tired of nasty eyes and glares from people that hate themselves

Tired of assumptions of my position in life

Tired of going around the same cycles with someone feeding off my energy, almost mimicking my essence and stripping me of self-respect

Well, didn’t I allow it anyway?

You choose and sometimes that choice is clouded with ties to other people and situations

Why would someone supposed to be into self-help and healing really reveal some things that are very questionable

Why did I feel the need to have to escape from there?

Was it me or was something nefarious occuring?

Maybe one day more information would ne revealed

Maybe I’ll never know

Anyway, that whole ordeal was quite an experience

But it was not meant for me

My healing came from my self work, far away from the familiar comfort of shakles

Bonded to a shape-shifting entity

That now fades away into dust

Into a past that remains closed

I must never cross that territory again

For I fear what would become of me

A shadow of my former self

That I still have potential to relinquish the wounds and patch up the sides of myself

And dust my soul down to reveal my true self again in all it’s beauty

After some much turmoil and struggle I have lost my sense of caring too much about other people’s opinions.. I understand what I need to do and love myself

Healing can take some time, I wouldn’t say that it has to take any set amount of time however you can speed your healing or slow down your healing depending on your lifestyle choices

I almost fear my potential

I know I am beautiful and clever

But invisible blockages press on me

I must go at my own speed

My own rhythm and tempo

To heal and find my groove again

Never failing to pick myself up

I want to be invested in myself again and have interest in myself not to look for someone when I’m not truly ready at all for a proper connection with my true one

I know my true one is out there

I trust the divine to reveal him to me, right place right time

And if I don’t make it, so be it

I cannot end my life

It is too precious

With new memories and perceptions and experiences

To formulate some sort of functioning self

It feels like a struggle to want to live

To want to keep going another day

But like a solider, I will follow my steps

And reclaim myself, my desires, my dreams

Somehow in the wreckage

There is a spark of me covered in rubble and energies of other people and fears and trauma and bodily blockages

There must be a way

To end this struggle within myself on whether to choose life or death

I must continue and try my hardest to put things right

Although I have a strong impulse to end my suffering that has gone on too long

And yet I love myself sincerly

Forever and always, eternally

What happened, a complete reconfigeration, I can see why now

To stop me in my tracks

To know what to give my time and energy to

In the limbo land of not fully knowing myself anymore or knowing my path

I must trust because God always finds a way

I am made of creation

So creation will find a way

Because life has an inclination forward

And I cannot stop the process of life

Unless I found a way to end my exsistence

But my inner voice cries of wanting to see the end

The end result

Some kind of redemption for myself of loving myself again, being my own best friend again and always choosing myself one hundred percent, having my back again

Which is missing and I miss truly

Let’s see

What if for the rest of this year, I took care of myself properly? And followed my routine?

Without fail

Wrote, built my blog, went out for trips on the bus, brought myself good fitting clothes, sorted my physical appearance out, gave myself herbal medicine, food medicine, let my hair grow long, write poetry, listen to subliminal programming and new music, and plenty of water.. What if I went to the groups? What if I said yes to new things? What if I were completely honest with where I’m at? What if I could…. Do some courses on my interests? Listen to those audiobooks and podcasts? I can do this I whisper to myself.

What if I got a volunteer role in a hospital?

What if I truly lived what I said to myself

That’s my way of getting my self-respect back

Live and breathe what I say

Finally, fucking finally

Treat myself well and do myself proud

Just for me, in a self-loving way with my current position in life

Sort this fucking shit out to be honest

Make sure I rest and sleep

And have good connections with good peole

And try my best to cultivate myself

Glow up as they say

Sustainable, because I always have myself

I wanna be free

To be me……. Eternally.

Then I get to go home (thank God!)

Goodnight, I love you

~DiosEmporium, 09/03/26